Jake (confused415) wrote,

growing up...

ya know i cried last nite, not because i was sad, not because i was angry, but happy and anxious at the same time. see i realized im growing up. Yesterday i talked to My father, before i talked to him i cried because i was scared. everyone that has read this journal frmo day one knows why, because hes the oh powerful, almighty father, who says he cares, acts like he doesnt and i so desperately want him to. anyways i called him and it wasnt that bad, acctually it was niice. we talk to each other like adults. i know ill never ever have a father son relationship with him its too late, but its never too late to have some sort of relationship with him. and thats what im doing. im having some sorta relationship with him.

My mom on the other hand, totally fucked up relationship, when i moved out. it got so much better. i can tlak with her now. Yesterday i had an honest day, for the most part. when i went and stayed the nite there, on the way i told her about samanthas nite. and whatever and then i told her about the hardcore drugs ive done. we talked about them. and she talked to me, didnt yell.. didnt say anything i found stuff about her, and she found out stuff about me! it was really nice.

ok well ive realized im growing up because im doing all this on my own. and even though i ask for help or sometimes people help me out, or blah blah blah doesnt mean anything less of myself. Also Ive been thinking, im determined and i have the self will power to do this all of this. and im going to make it out here in this big bad world. ive got a hand full of people that support me, and some are already proud, but when i make it, when i really succeed in life it will show those other people that i am a quote unquote winner. This depression stage im in right now its not seasonal, not seasonal at all, see it signifies im growing metally. i was depressed because im transitioning. look back on the last 9 months even a year. look at everything ive over come. and everything ive gotten through. im a survivor baby.

also on another Note, Jake, the pot head alcoholic...ive learned too turn some of that stuff down. and here i go again learning and not even in school. i was mad not even legal to drink and im already getting sick of it, my mother was right and i learned from her, that i dont need to do it all the time, because if i dont do it alot, nad then i do. it make me feel a whole lot beter! i think she is right...dude in the middle of writting this i just smoked a joint...lol...!
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