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[07 Feb 2005|12:02am]
so tonite is chantals last nite here,i got really emotional. i cried non stopped for like 4 hours. im going with her tomorrow to get dropped off to the airport, im gonna feel bad on the ride because i dont think im wanted. its weird. i was so upset, mad, depressed i came home, drank and now im fucking drunk!
9 kiss*s| kiss me

[06 Feb 2005|11:52am]
i have limited time to write because chantal is on her way to get me as we speak, but as i was gonna say, yesterday the business i had to take care of was seeing sean, maybee getting closure. it was worth it, i let my feelings out there. then i came home and tried to sleep, but i couldn't (mind you i didnt sleep friday nite). then i waited to get tired, laid in bed and nothing worked. so about 4 am Dan came over and stayed the nite with me and it was so niice, he said sweet things to me and blah blah blah. hes tight! see im playing the field, now, fucka men, im just having fun. im only however old, why should i be wasting my life, because a couple of pricks hurt me. right right!
2 kiss*s| kiss me

[05 Feb 2005|02:06pm]
i Had a great time, last nite, hanging out with Chantal, Lisa, Shannon, Vanessa and a guy named Jay. i met Jay last nite, and i just thought he was the coolest straight guy ive ever met, like seriously. i dont know. this whole week, has been tremendious. ive learned so much, and i dont want chantal to go back, i dont want this week to end, but i know it has to. i know shes gotta go. and tuesday starts school. school...blah school/! whatever though!

ive gotta take care of some business write more later!
kiss me

[04 Feb 2005|03:07pm]
ok so valentines day, its a monday, im open as far as i know.!
2 kiss*s| kiss me

[04 Feb 2005|02:55pm]
orrientation in just a quick hour away, and guess what, my clothes are just now in the dryer...yea typical Jake, right. and and i didnt even wash the right pair of pants that i wanted to. thats fucking plain out retarted. but yea what the hell do you expect. ok so orrientation is today im so scared, i skipped out on it last time, but this time i cant i gotta go to school i gotta get my life together that typa thing ya know. well i just dont want to. i hate new enviorment, the arts academy, was mine so to say, i did anything i wanted to, everybody knew me, and they all..i dont know... like me and rob were the couple everyone new about even though we werent a couple. we were the obnoxious high school love, fighting and yelling and loving the next ten minutes, and now we're both gone. hey whats new lol. anyways change is good right... its just scary. im scared...ahh!
kiss me

ima fucking faggot [04 Feb 2005|01:41am]
I'm a Hunky Faggot!

I'm a Hunky Faggot! Oh hello. I am completely gorgeous. You may touch me for a nominal fee, although I’d prefer that you were at least as hot as I am. I was genetically engineered for pleasure. Mine.

What kind of Faggot are you?
Brought to you by Pushing Through</a>
8 kiss*s| kiss me

[04 Feb 2005|01:25am]
another amazing nite. i went to great lakes crossing, and i got a rock and magnet...real special huh, yea well they are because i got them. also i saw Shannon and Lou, and Vanessa, and of course of course chantal. it was really nice. i dont know i think alot around those people, but i also have fun. and tonite being friday, we're going kareoakeeing and maybee staying the nite together if we can find somewhere i cant wait. i ahve orrientation tomorrow too.!
kiss me

[01 Feb 2005|12:54pm]
i had the most horrifying, eye opening road trip but at the same time i LOVED every second of it, it was so foggy, we got lost a couple times, and then got caught in a snow bank. and i also met someone i never knew...this relaly beautiful sole. like its weird because ive known him for like 5 years when i worked at pappys pizza, but really i just met him like really just met him. and the funnie thing is this kid so gosh darn gorgeous, that my attempt to get to know him, made everyone think i wanted to fuck him...wrong idea people. i just thought he was a great person, we think alike, and i think hes just really kewl. i think thats totally funnie though. totally funnie...omg. anyways i havent been to sleep in 24 hours so im going to sleep right now and then i will for sure be back later. because its me you know ill be back. and i will tell the saga of cold water..dun dun dun.!
1 kiss*| kiss me

fucking amazing [30 Jan 2005|01:31am]
ok so Chantals home for the next 10 days and im so excited. like she is my everything and she is back to do anything with me for fucking 10 days. i cant wait to spend the next rest of her time here with her. dennys tomorrow. at 8 and im so there.

So saw dave, it was really nice. hes a kool kat. and the best part is he knows it. its all good though hunn, its not a bad thing. the even even better part is he said he was coming up there and not getting ready, and he looked amazing, i wanna see how he looks once he gets ready. dont worry...no offense...but never. oh and then the best thing that had to do with dave. you know what im tlaking about, and if not thats fine becaues it might come out bad. I saw a pic of someone, a lovey dovey pic and i realized i dont wanna be there, ever again with that person. not that their a bad person...well...i just dont wanna go there. but i had to look at it a second time because im not jealous, which made me so so happy.

I saw alicia, and for some reason, good or bad, who knows so open with that girl. i was talking about my rimming experiences. talk about being open with somoene right...!

Shannon saw that bitch too and fucking we are gonna hang out for sure. sometime soon.

dave also told me that everyone can read my journal, you dont have to be a friend, but you have to be a friend to comment, not indended. but since you all already know everything about him. im kinda upset but have no room to be. we were suposed to see each other after i was done with my friends. then he got sick. he was getting better and i still wanted to see him. well called him 3 times from chantals fone. first time he answered said hed call back, he was busy driving in the country (problee on his way back), i didnt even have time to ask if he were ok. next two times, he didnt answer. 3rd time i left a mesage saying what i was doing, where i was and to come visit me. meet my friends ya know. well he never called back and never showed. i can understand though it wasnt my fone and he doesnt know chantal. i just get worried. and i think i get more worried without me being able to say hes my boyfriend, and not doing anything but no, not mmy boyfriend and although he says hes not, in my sick and twisted head he could be fucking everyone and their father.

so yea plan on spending all the time in the world with chantal... cant wait. ive got orrientation on tuesday.
1 kiss*| kiss me

[28 Jan 2005|05:33pm]
so the internet was down yesterday and i was going nuts, like its sick on how much i rely on this machine. but whatever ive got it back and im happy. and believe it or not, i wasnt a loser yesterday i didnt just ist on my ass i went out with Lisa and we went grocery shopping. then we went Job hunting and i got like fucking 12 apps, i need to fill them out and if i dont get a fucking job, im going to piss on America.

So alittle less confusion which made me more confused. I dont know he made a very valid point. like if he wanted to be jsut friends well then why would he be taking me out for valentines day...good point. then fucking make the committment, atleast admit your seeing me, so i have reason to trust you. i cant even trust him, because we're "just friends" im not fucking dating anyone, and how do i know hes not ya know. he says hes not but im fucked up and dont trust anything anyone says until they give me reason to. is that fucked up or what?
kiss me

make love to me [28 Jan 2005|02:29pm]
I want to make love to you,
and you make love to me.
carry me from the door,
to your bed.
Press your soft lips against mine.
Take those lips and run them passionately down my body,
marking your territory along the way.
Kiss my Hips,
and run your toungue along the bones .
make me go wild,
make me scream your name.

Make love to me,
Cause im making love to you,
have your way with me,
Say those powerful words,
make me feel them,
and mean them.
Make our sweaty bodies one,
so close impossible to let go.
GIve me so much love,
it drains the life outta me.
We're together,
and we could never part.
As i fall asleep,
my head against your heart.
1 kiss*| kiss me

poems [28 Jan 2005|02:22pm]
Why Am I crazy

Am I crazy in love,
or crazy in life?
Am i crazy for you,
or Crazy for love?
Am i so crazy i think im gay,
or So crazy i couldnt be anything but gay?
Is my life Crazy,
or do i make it crazy?
Why am i crazy?
Im so crazy...


Is it the best,
or is it the worst.
Is it a blessing,
or is it a curse.
Does my ache for it,
or does it ache because of it.
Wake up and face reality,
realize you live for love,
you die in love.
good and bad.
for best or wosrt.
love is love!
kiss me

found it [27 Jan 2005|01:12am]
ive been looking for an online friend someone, ill never meet, that ive never met, that i can talk to, tell anything to, like an online shrink.
1 kiss*| kiss me

thats hott [26 Jan 2005|11:06pm]
the simple life premiere was one tonite, and it was fucking hott...it warped me in. im not even kidding. im like Paris and Nicole. and ive got a fucking idea for the new simple life as well... simple life 4: not so simple after all...me and niki go to LA and they teach us how to be rich. omg that would be hott...living 30 days like them. i could see it now. we'd get along so well with NIcole and Paris. and we'd be so good of friends.

so i had so much to say. oh yea he loves me so he said thursday, but friday he said he just wants to be friends so confused just have to get enough balls to say something to him, more than what i already have. because i dont want to loose him ya know. yea i know P.W.! i hate it but love it. ive written a poem, when i get it back, im gonna dedicate a whole entry to it, basically because its a page and a half (front and back). i might see him saturday all depending on if im going to leave my friends early or not, itd be cheaper to just see dave, i know that! i dont know though. i think ill either make dave pick me up from there...or beg him to come so i can just go home with him because hes out of state until saturday morning, on important business.

im lonely but i need to learn to just have fun. because im falling, and im falling hard. and hes not showing anything in return. he says it, and i dont. but i show i care, he doesnt, he says he cares, and i do, but he says it in more meaningful words, well said it once officially..a couple times in so many words. i dont know. boys are confusing. they make me confused.
kiss me

growing up... [26 Jan 2005|05:44pm]
ya know i cried last nite, not because i was sad, not because i was angry, but happy and anxious at the same time. see i realized im growing up. Yesterday i talked to My father, before i talked to him i cried because i was scared. everyone that has read this journal frmo day one knows why, because hes the oh powerful, almighty father, who says he cares, acts like he doesnt and i so desperately want him to. anyways i called him and it wasnt that bad, acctually it was niice. we talk to each other like adults. i know ill never ever have a father son relationship with him its too late, but its never too late to have some sort of relationship with him. and thats what im doing. im having some sorta relationship with him.

My mom on the other hand, totally fucked up relationship, when i moved out. it got so much better. i can tlak with her now. Yesterday i had an honest day, for the most part. when i went and stayed the nite there, on the way i told her about samanthas nite. and whatever and then i told her about the hardcore drugs ive done. we talked about them. and she talked to me, didnt yell.. didnt say anything i found stuff about her, and she found out stuff about me! it was really nice.

ok well ive realized im growing up because im doing all this on my own. and even though i ask for help or sometimes people help me out, or blah blah blah doesnt mean anything less of myself. Also Ive been thinking, im determined and i have the self will power to do this all of this. and im going to make it out here in this big bad world. ive got a hand full of people that support me, and some are already proud, but when i make it, when i really succeed in life it will show those other people that i am a quote unquote winner. This depression stage im in right now its not seasonal, not seasonal at all, see it signifies im growing metally. i was depressed because im transitioning. look back on the last 9 months even a year. look at everything ive over come. and everything ive gotten through. im a survivor baby.

also on another Note, Jake, the pot head alcoholic...ive learned too turn some of that stuff down. and here i go again learning and not even in school. i was mad not even legal to drink and im already getting sick of it, my mother was right and i learned from her, that i dont need to do it all the time, because if i dont do it alot, nad then i do. it make me feel a whole lot beter! i think she is right...dude in the middle of writting this i just smoked a joint...lol...!
2 kiss*s| kiss me

DID IT [25 Jan 2005|02:57pm]
I enrolled at clinton dale adult ed, and now im gonna fucking get a diplomia no matter what. and i can do all my classes from home, and thats good because thre are fucking ignorant people that go there. There were some fucking hoodlums that go there. I know this because me and my mopther walked up to the door and the fucking people were sayin shit and runnin their mouths and they opened a door for me being a smart ass and said more shit. come on. i said id go to the school to better my life ya know. but the lady said the only classes i need to do at the school are the computer classes.
2 kiss*s| kiss me

[25 Jan 2005|01:57pm]
How you really say "I love you." by lenatheraven
...believe in true love?
Your hands sayWith me, you'll never be lost.
Your eyes sayYou're amazing.
Your hugs sayI promise I will try to keep you safe.
Your kisses sayI am addicted to you.
Your body saysI just want to hold you.
Your heart saysTe amo.
Quiz created with MemeGen!

this is fucking awesome. i love it. i wish that i could find somene that believes this!
kiss me

Ive got it bad [25 Jan 2005|01:38pm]
Ive got it bad for that one guy because for some reason thats all i can think about. and i dont know why. I really like him. i really want to be with him. I really want him to want to be with me. I just want everything to work out and i believe in that fate shit but fate shit just needs to work right this time and give me what i want and what i want is him. i want him!

Im also really stressed because i guess someone told my dad tha im liveing at Nikis. IM not mad at that because hell if he wanted to know, if he cared hed call here. I guess he also said if he should worried about me, fuck im his oldestest son he should always be worried about me so whats me not living at home matter, if i wasnt living at home in the first place, my mailing address is still mailed to Harrison Twp. Im just afraid he'll take away insurance or child support and i need the money and the insusrance to get me through life and beuaty school. Im calling today though because its my lil brothers birthday and i need to talk to my dad. I make sure i call atleast once a month!

So i got the letter in the mail orrientation is febuary 1, so im going of course! but school starts on febuary 8. so which means ill most likely have school the day after valentines day because thats a tuesday and i ahve school on tuesdays. I was hoping to have a romantic evening with my valentine, the guy that i rant and rave about. i could take that day off of school but its my second week, should i do that.

IM just so scared everythings not going to work out, i know it will because im determined and i want it so bad. but what if it doesnt. i dont want to be a loser. im so afraid im going to be that it makes me sick to my stomache. I dont know. whatever!
1 kiss*| kiss me

[24 Jan 2005|10:16pm]
You are Pacey and Jen. Hot, hot, hot. Cute, cute, cute. Could be the perefct match, but you two think you're better off as friends.
You are Pacey and Jen. Hot, hot, hot. Cute, cute,
cute. Could be the perefct match, but you two
think you're better off as friends.

Which Dawson's Creek couple are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

id rather be Joey and Pacey.
1 kiss*| kiss me

fucking atletic my ass [24 Jan 2005|03:43am]

J is for Joyous
A is for Amazing
K is for Kinky
E is for Elegant

1 kiss*| kiss me

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